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Bacon Takedown

WARNING: There is more cussing and cleavage than usual in this episode.

About a month ago, my “producer” emailed me about this Bacon Takedown.” Sure, fine, whatever, sounds good, sign me up. I’m confident — why shouldn’t I be? I can cook bacon good. I didn’t think about it much more than that. Two weeks later, though, I am in a kind of bacon-panic, trying weirdo made-up recipes with apples and pineapple and grits and jalapeños and harissa and goat cheese and miniature cupcakes and bacon grease and mountains of paper towels and tin foil and kitchen fires and that’ll show ’em and Jesus, somebody shoot me. Then suddenly it hit me. I knew exactly what to do: Bacon Dress! Of course! Distract myself by focusing on fashion instead of food. Problem solved.

Hilah's Bacon Dress

Hilah

Or just delayed. It’s six days before the Takedown and I have an AMAZING bacon dress but no recipe. Woe is me! Wherefore art thou, thou hours spent sewing sequins and adoring the cutest baby cowboys I’ve ever seen printed on cotton when I should have been trialing and erroring recipes like a Real Cook? Gone. Gone. Gone. Never to return. So stop waiting for the perfect recipe to come to you, idiot, just pick something and go with it. So I did. Well, I picked two things and then let five lucky friends decide from there. It wasn’t a total consensus, there was at least one strong vote for the pimento cheese grits with bacon and sweet pickled jalapenos, but everyone was kind of love with the spicy chocolate covered bacon. I got some suggestions and forged ahead.

I spent the day before the Takedown cooking off five pounds of bacon in the oven, cooling it, and sticking it in the ‘fridgerator between layers of paper towels. So much for using four paper towels a year; I basically used up my life-time ration in two days. Poo. Whatever, I’m prepped. I go drinkin’.

Several hours later than intended, I crawl into bed hammered from too much whiskey and Old Spice fumes. The Old Spice has cleared my nostrils by 7:30 AM, but the whiskey has left me slow, groggy, and lacking coordination. Poo again. Brush it off, take some Advil, grow up. Time to make the chocolate! I’d read about a thing called tempering chocolate to make it hard and snappy and shiny and all those good things. Can’t be that hard, right? Not for a kitchen wiz like me! So I give it a whirl. Melt chocolate, check the temperature, add more chocolate, stir it around, DON’T GET WATER IN IT, stir it some more, check the temp, voila. Perfectly tempered chocolate!


Oh. No. Who knew chocolate was so tricky? Not me. What a dummy. Foiled by my kitchen hubris. Screw it. It’ll be fine. Start dipping the bacon. Realize five pounds is not enough. Call and say I’m running late. Make more bacon. Toast, don’t burn, pumpkin seeds and sprinkle liberally with sea salt. Chug a Coors light. Spill it everywhere. Bacon grease on the counters. Chocolate stains on the dress, face, hands. Out of waxed paper?! Ice maker is broken?! Cooler has spiders in it?! Son of a bitch. I give up. Let’s just go.

Caballero Candy!

Caballero Candy!

We get to Emo’s an hour early to set up. I started to get nervous when I saw all the real chefs and their fancy chocolate coating that wasn’t melting in the heat and their piping bags and mustard greens and garnishes and fancy platters and actual business cards on glossy cardstock. And here I come, in a homemade bacon dress with some homemade business cards and some old mismatchin’ Tupperware with my name written on it in Sharpie stuck in the cooler filled with ice from my freezer. Dang. I sure was feeling under-doggish. And the bar doesn’t even open until four. Well. Shit.

Screw around, stand around, pace around, walk outside, walk inside. Get a free bacon Bloody Mary from Lucky 13 Cocktail Catering. Yum! Calm down. Interview Matt Timms, the boss of the Take-Down. Make an “impression”. Oh jeez. Uh oh. Look! People are coming in. It’s Four o’clock. Smile! Look pretty! Be friendly! You’re welcome! Take a card! Thank you! One hour passes. The people next to me, Pat and Jen, are super nice and fun. They made a bacon creme brulee that looks wicked good with candied bacon on top. People are coming back to them for seconds! I am sure they will win something.

Finally, it’s six o’clock. Matt says the votes are being tallied and we can take a break. My shoes and my lack of food and cold beer are killing me. Go outside and sit down, cold Lonestar, sunshine. Who gives a shit if I win or not, really. This was fun. And I’m wearing a bacon dress. Feels pretty good.

Everyone on stage for a final ceremony and announcing the winners. The Judge’s first place went to two brothers I went to elementary school with and haven’t seen since high school. So that was weird, right? They made some blueberry bacon taco thing that sounded wacky and good and they eat a lot of tacos and have a website that talks about their taco trials and tribulations. Crazy. They also won the People’s choice second place. Those tacos must have been good. I’m sorry I missed them. But then, guess what? Guess who won People’s Choice First Place at the Austin Bacon Takedown of 2010? Me! I did! I couldn’t believe it! First time I ever won anything ever in my whole life. Man, I still can’t get over it.

So here’s a video we made about the Bacon Takedown. Check it out, see if you know anyone in it, write to me if you were there. Tell me what you thought. I am so looking forward to the next Takedown in Austin. Bring it, Timms. I am ready.

18 Comments

  1. Allan Mott on March 16, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    Truly this is the only cooking video blog where you can count on seeing a boobie/cleavage camera pan at some point during the proceedings. Which explains why I keep coming back for more.

  2. Steph on March 16, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    Bacon! Beer! Boobs! All things that make a good day.

    • Hilah Cooking on March 16, 2010 at 10:17 pm

      We couldn't have done it without your boobs.

  3. Niki Pham on March 16, 2010 at 7:42 pm

    Great Episode, but I was hoping to see much more cleavage with bacon!! And what's with that hairy one at the end? Congrats on winning Bacon Baby! I voted for ya and the choco-bacon bits were yummy.

    • Hilah Cooking on March 16, 2010 at 10:17 pm

      Thanks, Niki! I have a year's supply of BACON!

  4. Josh on March 17, 2010 at 6:46 am

    Hilah, you're hilarious!! Great writing! I'm glad I got to compete against you @ The Takedown (bacon avocado salad); yeah, it wasn't bad. I'm also looking forward to next year. But you should join this foodie social club for bacon….The Austin Bacon Eaters. It's on facebook and a blog is coming soon! please check it out when you can. See you around town…
    Josh

  5. Jessica Elizabeth on March 17, 2010 at 7:37 pm

    Your bacon dress (+apron) is AMAZING!!!! I also liked the belly cleavage.

    • Hilah Cooking on March 19, 2010 at 4:05 am

      Thanks! I can't wait to wear it somewhere where I don't have to eat bacon. How'd you feel about the butt cleavage? Hey – oh!

  6. woodsmanq on March 19, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    What a great read!!

  7. melissa on March 22, 2010 at 10:01 pm

    Well, well, well. Look-y here. Glad to see that the Take-down research that landed you on my blog was helpful! And you won! Wowsers! Nice job. And, yes, tempering chocolate can be a bitch, especially if you think it didn't work but then you go out to the bar and come back to find that everything you left a chocolately, gooey mess is now a rock hard chocolately mess! Isn't Matt Timms the most awesome? Yes!

    • Hilah Cooking on March 23, 2010 at 7:18 pm

      Matt Timms is the most awesome! Hear that, Matt Timms?!
      Also, Melissa, I like your blog!

  8. Schnee on October 27, 2012 at 12:04 am

    So, wait a dag gum minute. You had the meat dress idea in July? So that means Lady Gaga totally ripped your idea later that year at the VMA. I think that is SIMPLY CRIMINAL.

    • Hilah on October 29, 2012 at 10:04 am

      I’ve been SAYIN’ she a copy-cat! 😉

  9. ron on December 11, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    Really enjoyed the bacon takedown,especially the cleavage part.BTW I like the way your titties move when you mix those likker drinks.Rock On!

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