Emotional Break Required

[I'm taking a few weeks off of video making to spare you my grouchy frowny face. Here's why. There's nothing to do with food here, and there's a lot to do with lady-things and emotions so skip this post if you're not up for all that. This is very personal information that I am finally ready to share and hopefully it will help someone else by knowing you are not alone in feeling sad or lost and here's to us finding our way soon.]

In November of 2012 I found out I was pregnant. Chris and I had been “not-not-trying” for only a couple of months and I felt really fortunate that it had happened so quickly. In December I went in for the ultrasound and we found out there was no heartbeat, no fetus. I was over 12 weeks along at that point and would need dilation and curettage which is also the fancy name they use for abortion. My insurance through Chris’s job wouldn’t kick in until January 1st, but that’s not really what I want this story to be about, although it’s a great starting point for a completely different article.

At any rate, we scheduled the surgery that day, I showed up at the hospital a couple days later. I remember my doctor coming in and me asking him one last time if this was really necessary. I’d never had surgery of any kind before and was feeling remorse for having made the appointment. He nodded, his eyebrows scrunched together in that gentle way that shows both pity and regret. I remember the anesthesiologist and the “count-to-10″ part and then I woke up a few hours later — I guess, I really don’t know how long it was — wearing hospital-issue disposable underwear and one of those industrial-sized maxi pads, the kind you can only find in hospitals and sometimes in public bathroom dispensers for a quarter or fifty cents each.

Two days after the D&C we were scheduled to drive to New Orleans for one of my best friend’s wedding. We went, but decided not to tell anyone about my surgery except our friends with whom we drove since it was likely I’d be having physical distress the whole way. I did, but fortunately no blood or poop was let to roam anywhere except three or four gas station bathrooms.

Going to New Orleans two days after a miscarriage and D&C to celebrate a friend’s happy time is probably one of the worst ideas I’ve ever had. Not that I didn’t want to be there and stand in the wedding as a bridesmaid, of course I did, but trying to hang out and party and drink like a person wants to do when a person is in New Orleans isn’t good for the psyche when what you really should be doing is feeling pitiful, at home, in bed, with Kleenex and hot pads and pain killers and Xanax and maybe some egg nog because it is the goddamn Christmas season, after all.

When we got back home on December 23 neither of us felt like doing anything for Christmas so we didn’t. I mean, I’m sure we ate something and watched a movie, but really I don’t remember what. It was an unremarkable Christmas, but at least the shittiest-day-ever was behind us. However, when I went in early January for a follow-up, things somehow, magically, got even worse. My usually cheerful OB/GYN sat us down and stared at me real serious-like. “This was not a normal miscarriage,” he said. “Fucking hell,” I thought. I waited for him to tell me I had cancer, or that he had to take my uterus out and replace it with a piece of cheese. But instead he said something I’d never even heard of.

“This was a molar pregnancy.”

“What is that?”

“It’s very rare. Yours was a surprise because on the ultrasound, a molar pregnancy looks like a bunch of grapes where the fetus should be and your ultrasound looked normal.”

(Except of course that there was no baby there. Haha.)

“The tissue analysis showed the abnormal cell development that marks a molar pregnancy. What it means is that the placenta might continue to grow and could become a tumor. We will have to check your blood every week until your hormones go back to normal, non-pregnant-lady levels and then monthly for 6-12 months after that. I also want to send you for a chest x-ray because this particular type of cancer, if it does form, has a tendency to metastasize to the lungs.”

Whaaattt. Thafuggggg.

“There’s nothing you could have done to prevent this.”

“No one knows why it happens.”

“It’s not hereditary and it doesn’t affect your chances of getting pregnant again.”

None of these things really made me feel better. And bless his heart, Doc could tell. I thought he was going to start crying before I did. I didn’t cry in the doctor’s office, either time. Of course, my eyes watered, but at the ultrasound appointment I told myself that this was not a surprise and that lots of people miscarry around 3 months and that I kind of expected it anyway and what’s the big deal. At this second appointment, though, I was just shocked. And I still didn’t really understand what a molar pregnancy was except that it might give me cancer. And this time I just felt so, so sorry for myself. And pissed off. Which is exactly how anyone in my place or a similar place would feel, I imagine. Rarity is not cherished when it comes to disease.

I considered joining an online support group for women who’ve had molar pregnancies, but I lurked around a few and decided that it would either make me more scared or more pissed off and that would not do. I called my doctor and got a prescription for Xanax to help me sleep. I tried taking it during the day and just felt blank, but at night it was exactly what I needed. I un-followed people on Instagram who posted too many baby pictures. I started drinking more and giving less of a fuck about exercising or eating well. I’ve just now begun to realize how self-destructive I became in 2013. I threw myself at work and ignored bad feelings. I never properly mourned for whatever it was I should have been mourning — my health, a non-existent baby, my feeling of being “a woman capable of procreating”, my future motherhood.

My paternal grandmother was still alive (she passed away in February 2013 which is another story for another day, and another example of 2013 being a shitstorm) and I talked to her. She had four miscarriages and four children. I also talked to friends who’d had miscarriages and children. Eventually I stopped pointing out to well-meaning ears that a molar pregnancy is different than a regular miscarriage and nodded my head along with their affirmations that someday I, too, would have a baby and then the miscarriage wouldn’t matter. But it did matter, it mattered a lot right then, to me, the lady with no baby and maybe cancer instead. My friend Laurel told me the truest thing I think I heard during that time: The minute you become pregnant, you become a mother. That might sound extreme to someone who’s never had a miscarriage, but I think it explains a lot of the emotion you feel after one.

What did make me feel better was every time I got my blood checked, my hormone levels were lower. My body was getting back to normal. My chest x-ray was clear. Eventually, I was allowed to come in monthly and as of November 2013, my doctor said I was in the clear to start “trying” again in January. I put that word in quotes because I kind of hate it used in this context, but I also don’t know what other word to use so I use it, too. Blerg.

So here we are now, almost January 2014. I’ve been given the go-ahead. We are kind of going ahead. Gah, but there is something so sad in me. This Christmas was somehow more depressing than last year and I’m wondering if it’s only because of the year-anniversary of all the shit, or what. I don’t know. This feels like the saddest I’ve ever been and it makes no sense. I’m not a cry baby but I’m not really the type to bottle everything up inside, either. I feel unmotivated and angry at everything and nothing. I feel uncreative and boring and like drinking all day long and smoking a bunch of flavored cigarillos and a few doobies. Maybe I should see a therapist.

Comments

  1. Oh man, I am so sorry. That is an extra-crappy year for sure. I think a therapist is a good idea. For a while there I was so depressed/sad/self-destructive that I thought I didn’t deserve to see a therapist, like therapists and getting better and not being sad and all that were for people who WANTED to get better and I didn’t even know what that meant. I told myself I’d go to a couple of appointments and if it was stupid I’d quit. That was over a year ago. It has helped A LOT, in ways I really didn’t expect it to. So yeah. I hope things get better for you!

    • Thank you so much, Kathy, for writing. I will call my old therapist. I saw her a few times after I got divorced three years ago and it did help, like you said, in ways I didn’t expect. Thanks for reminding me of that.

      • Love you. Take care of yourself. We’ll all be here when you are feeling better.

      • Stay Lifted says:

        Dear Hilah,

        This is the first time that I have watched your YouTube channel and have subscribed since I think your videos are wonderful and you are the Real McCoy!

        I am sorry that you should have to go through soooooo many ****hitty things during celebration packed and joyous time of the year. I too have experienced miscarriage around the same time you did in my pregnancy. I can’t say I know how you felt because every experience is personal but I commend you for sharing your experience with women and couples that need someone that is letting them know that it’s OK to be honest with your feelings and experience and that we are truly human first!

        There is nothing wrong and everything right about looking for support to help you through this challenging time with a therapist. I am a more capable woman because I chose to get help with a wonderful therapist and a wonderful support of people who loved me. They had the wise old women of the village in the past, now we have therapists who we can confide in without having to worry about the village knowing our business or judgment and all resources to help us get back on our feet.

        God Bless You and Your Family, and keep on letting your Light Shine and may each year be better than the last!

      • Hilah,
        So sorry to hear of your troubles. My wife was going through uterine cancer surgery, and radiation about that time too. It’s scary but all is fine now. Praying for you. God loves you! You are not being punished or anything. I’ll be praying you have that child you obviously want.

  2. Hello Hilah. I’m an avid fan of yours, your videos and your cooking and my heart breaks hearing that someone as awesome as you had gone through all those bad experiences and still tried to entertain us through your videos (I would know, am a big fan of your humor). I don’t want to be a hypocrite and say that I know how you feel because I don’t, but I will tell you that one day, all this shit would blow over and it will be better tomorrow. I will be praying for you and your health and your family as well. You are one of my inspirations, heck you were the one who made me confident enough to try my hand out in the kitchen, and I hope my hastily-written comment puts a smile on your face, because you truly deserve to be happy. Everyone does, especially persons who are as beautiful as you, inside and out.

  3. My heart is with you. My two cents is to go ahead and let it all out. Let yourself mourn even as delayed as you may think. This too shall pass. Every day might not be good but always try to something good in everyday. Wishing the you the best in 2014.

  4. Karla Morales says:

    My dearest Hilah. I’ve been following you around and in my learning of cooking through your humor and ease of doing things I feel like I have cyberly grown up with you. I cannot possibly fathom what you are feeling but it does sadden me to know you are going trough this. I’m not the type to comment posts for anything but I felt compelled to send lots of good vibes to you and lots of love from sunny California, I know when it rains it pours but keep your head up. Let your strength shine trough.

  5. Hilah,

    I fell in love with you over the Chik-fil-Gay video and subsequently, through youtube, my friends have fallen in love with your personality/instagrams/virtual self as well. I have NEVER EVER responded to a blog post, but thanks to Holiday time I had time to see your instagram and check this out. Things I would like you to know: 1- You have brought so much joy to so many people’s lives through food and this almost third-party kind of stalking(?) through modern social media, 2- This post was so honest it brought so much joy to me again, even through your sadness, it is obvious you are a strong and honest woman (Congratulations on that, there are only a few of those in the world-and it’s amazing), 3-take all the time you need, that is the greatest gift you can give yourself, and it’s totally worth it.

  6. Hi Hilah
    I’m so sorry! That was a really bad year!I think you shoud talk to someone to sort through all those emotions. In my twenties I had some issues that led me to a deep depression. I waited a long time, hoping it would pass on its own, but I finally decided to find help. I saw a therapist for some four years, and although she didn’t “fix me” the way I thought she would, it felt good just to talk.
    Believe me, it’s normal to feel the way you do, even after all these months (I see myself in what you say, a few years ago) You have to have something to look foreward to, to have the strenght to get out of that hole.
    If I speak from my own experience, once you have a baby, it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. You don’t forget, but it does get better.
    It took me 12 years to get pregnant, and when I did, I had a miscarriage. Then I got pregnant again, and I almost lost my baby halfway through the pregnancy because my uterus isn’t strong enough to hold the weight of a baby. Then I lost two more (each time from a different reason) and I had another one. Today I can’t say I’m happy, but my daugthers give me a reason to smile everyday.
    I’m sorry for this “novel”, but what you wrote touched me a lot because I understand you so well. And I think it’s so unfair that any woman should go through something like that just to be able to be a mother.
    I wish you all the best in 2014, and I hope you get better very very soon. Take good care of yourself.
    Teresa
    I’m sorry, my english is not very good.

  7. Karla Morales says:

    My dearest Hilah. I’ve been following you since day one and in my learning of cooking through your humor and ease of doing things I feel like I have cyberly grown up with you. I cannot possibly fathom what you are feeling but it does sadden me to know you are going trough this. I’m not the type to comment posts for anything but I felt compelled to send lots of good vibes to you and lots of love from sunny California, I know when it rains it pours but keep your head up. Let your strength shine trough.

  8. Hilah, you are such an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing your story… I am so sorry for your loss and there is no shame in seeing a therapist for what you went through. Just know that no matter what, you have an amazing husband and so many of us that love and admire you. I’m sending positive energy your way and I hope you can take the time you need to heal your heart. Much love, Hannah

  9. Hilah, this post brought me to tears. I am so sorry you had to go through this. We’re strangers except for the fact that I’m a viewer of your amazing videos. I watch your videos to learn new recipes and even sometimes just to smile and laugh. You are truly one of a kind and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I hope 2014 is a year of new beginnings for you and you find peace and happiness. I’m not sure why things like what you went through have to happen, but don’t let it break you. You will rise above this. You’re too awesome not to.
    Sincerely,
    A huge fan

  10. Hilah,

    I am so sorry. I’ve never gone through what you’re dealing with, but I will say I’ve dealt with depression for years and finally making the decision to see a therapist was the best decision I’ve ever made. Finally being able to speak the bad/sad/mad stuff going through my head was so good for me, if only to get it out of my head. My therapist helped me look at things logically instead of being blinded by my sadness. I still deal with sadness and depression and I probably always will, but going through the work of getting all of my stuff out and starting to deal with it logically has made me a much stronger person and I now know I can deal with it.

    A virtual hug is a sad replacement for a real one, but that and my good thoughts for you, Chris, and your puppies is all I can offer at the moment. :)

  11. I don’t blame you for taking a break. Going through something this traumatic is especially hard for those of us who just want to feel better and get over it already. So give yourself time. I have been an avid therapy goer for 8 years now and recommend it highly. I appreciate you telling your story.
    I live in austin so if you’d ever like to meet for coffee and a bitch-session, message me.

  12. I wish I could reach through my laptop screen and give you a big ol’ hug. I also wish I could say the most comforting words that you need to hear but I suck in that area, unfortunately. All I can say is that I am so sorry and I wish for nothing but the best for you in 2014. In December 2007 I had a miscarriage and was very depressed. We couldn’t afford for me to see a therapist so I didn’t know what to do. I was very fortunate to find the most wonderful group of ladies online and was able to chat with them. They were lifesavers and helped me with my grieving. Let me know if you are interested and I can point you in their direction.

  13. Hilah,
    I love your videos, your crazy sense of humor, how it feels like I’m watching a friend goof around in the kitchen. I’m so, so sorry for the pain you’re in and the horror you’ve been through. I’m sure therapy would be an excellent way to help release this burden on your heart and work through the aftermath of your trauma and loss. I think everyone could benefit from therapy, and with what you’ve gone through it sounds like you need a sounding board and permission to let it out. Your friend is right, miscarriage is the loss of motherhood.
    I hope that you do become a mother, because you would kick so much ass at it.
    Lots of hugs and love from Houston.

  14. Marsha & Bruce Alter says:

    No pseudonym this time. Just two friends who want to tell you how bad we feel for you and Chris (yeah him, too). We’ve always considered you one of the hardest working persons on the Web and have been impressed so much by how you’ve grown. Most importantly, we are honored you call us friends and by the kindness you’ve shown us. Please know we have you in our thoughts & prayers, prayers for as long as you want and need them.

  15. Tisha Townsend says:

    Oh honey, I saw your instagram pic and of course had to check in to see what was going on. I’m so sorry for what you have been going through, I couldn’t imagine what it must be like, since I have never gone through what you are dealing with. I only wish for you to take care of yourself and do what you need to do to get yourself back to a better place. I do know that going to therapy can be great in all kinds of ways, but whatever you choose to do for yourself, I’m sure you will figure out a way through this, with Chris by your side for support I am sure. I will miss your face on the interwebs, and hope you will check in when you feel good and ready for it. Lots of love and good vibes to you and your man.

  16. Dear Hilah
    This was certainly a crapy-sad-everyreasontobepissedoff year for you and Chris. I hope you find the inner peace or whatever it is us humans need to find to feel “normal”, like yourself again. A therapist sounds like a good starting point, plus, lots of “play time” with your dogs might help. It did for me once. I was going to write longer but the stupid autocorrect on my so called smartphone is driving me insane, switching every word back into spanish and not supporting cultural exchange haha. Anyways, mucho love for you and chris and your dogs. We’ll be waiting for you to continue to kick ass like you always do.

  17. I’m so sorry. There are times when life just sucks. ((((hugs))))

  18. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, but my heart aches for you. I experienced a significant loss around the holidays a few years back and even though I’ve mostly come to terms with it, it’s hard to get into the holiday spirit. It seems like everyone else is so happy and has everything together. I’ve found when I start to remember and feel gloomy, it’s best to take some time for myself to just enjoy doing something completely for myself, away from all the hustle and bustle. Take all the time you need off from the videos, I know we all love you and understand that you need to do what’s best for you. And I think it’s ok to mourn, it’s ok to remember on the anniversaries. I tried going to therapy, and while it didn’t help me, it helped me to realize that everyone gets through things differently, and that what was “right” for therapist wasn’t right for me. I needed to move on in my own time and I felt she was pushing me too quickly. You have to do what feels right for you. Lots of love and internet hugs. Xoxo.

  19. Oh, Hilah. <3 <3 <3

  20. Hilah,
    you offer me endless entertainment and inspiration, and now my heart breaks for you. You have such strength and courage for sharing your story with others. Thank you for your honesty, it helps in ways you’ll never know.

    Sending you positive thoughts and love.

  21. Hilah,
    Get well soon. You are an inspiration in the kitchen, you’re funny and damn good looking too. I loved your pic of you and your cousin in Tennessee. You will become healthy again and become the Mom you want to be. God bless- you have alot of friends supporting you.

  22. Dang Girl — Rocky road :o[

    Chill, heal, keep those cocktails and doobs coming (or whatever gets you through it) and get bettah soon. You will…I just know it. Then, when you’re back we shall regale you with all the encouragement and support we possible can…we Hilah Groupies that is.

    You’re a peach — Be well
    xox

  23. You are awesome, and I love you.

    A break from videos sounds like a good choice. Maybe a therapist — one you can trust and feel good about — is a good choice, too.

    Here’s to continued good choices with the things we can control, in response to the fucked-up shit we can’t control…

    You are not alone.

  24. I’ve been through the dark days of infertility and years from hell where just when you think things are turning around, life throws you another curve ball. I understand the raw emotions and the need to retreat a bit. Ironically when I was at my breaking point in 1994, my “retreat” meant kissing a lucrative career goodbye and going to culinary school. Financially, it was not a great move, but spiritually, it’s just what the doctor ordered. A year later, I was pregnant with my daughter and a few years after that, we adopted our amazing son from Guatemala and cooking remains my true passion.

    Take all the time you need my dear. We’ll all be here for you with hugs and support and best wishes for a much brighter and happier 2014 :)

  25. Dear Hilah!
    You have become my favorite online cook! I’m truly sorry for what you have went through. I hope time heals you the best it can! Your fans feel more like part of a family! You will always be in our thoughts my friend!
    We love ya young lady!

  26. Hey dude, it’s a dude fan here ;-)…Infinite power, strength, and love to you Ms. Hilah. You’ve got a very gentle caring soul that shines right through you, and especially through your delicious dishes! You’re very loved and help people brighten there day, smile and giggle, more than you’ll ever know. We can’t wait to see you back, get well soon.<3

  27. I understand, and I don’t. I had a stillbirth last year and found out we were pregnant a week before our son’s 1 yr anniversary. I’m still feeling numb, not upset, but not excited. I’m just pregnant. I’m glad that you are willing and able to share, happy to see you taking the time you need. It’s definitely important for your mental and physical. Your friend is absolutely right, from the moment you become pregnant you are a mother, and that loss is a pain that cannot be measured. Keeping you in thought, many blessings and healing in the New Year Hilah.

  28. Hilah, I’m so sorry to hear what a crapping time you were going through. Thanks for sharing your story and I’m sure someone out there will know what you are going through and it will make the world of difference for them to hear someone else talking about it. May 2014 bless you!

  29. I’m a huge fan so of course I’m saddened by this news. But yes, see a therapist. What you are experiencing is grief. Your heart doesn’t know it was a molar pregnancy. Your heart and a large part of your brain only knows that your baby was lost. You need to work through the loss and grief just as if it had been a child. That’s what people don’t understand – any kind of pregnancy is real to us and when it ends without a child, it’s grief. I too had a molar pregnancy and it took years of therapy to understand and cope with the loss. So take as much time as you need. Work it through, but also know that some part of you will always grieve for what could have been and this lingering grief will change you.

  30. Your friend was so right when she said you become a mother the moment you know you are pregnant. I went through similar god-awful events and none of my friends got it and it did hurt terribly. Nothing like having friends diminish your feelings (unknowingly but still) Definitely see a therapist. Your life will get better (it has already with your docs ok to move forward) and you will start feeling better. It does all take time. My best to you and here’s to those baby pictures you will post.

  31. I’m sorry you’ve gone through all that. Therapy helped me when I went through a lot of hell. I hope things get better for you, I think you’re awesome and you taught me how to cook. I’ll send lots of good thoughts your way :)

  32. This all just sucks!! All I can say is that after you start seeing your therapist again, I really hope you feel a little better everyday. NO CANCER! YAY!

  33. Albert Garcia says:

    How honest & pure your feeling are. My thoughts & prayers are are with you, Hilah.

  34. Dear Hilah,

    You are such an awesome person. My kids beg me to watch your videos and love that you say naughty words like mommy. Thanks for showing them mommy isn’t crazy.

    I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with everyone who has advised to let it out. You will feel better when you feel better. My best friend had a molar pregnancy and had a really hard time understanding why she felt so sad and empty after losing “nothing”. I told her she was being an ass for trying to walk it off like it was no big deal. Your body thought you were having a baby. Your mind thought you were having a baby. The Drs give you a friggin due date! And then you get to spend the next year tapering off the hormones that all crazy pregnant people have to deal with. Shit storm is pretty accurate, nothing cry baby about it.

    Keep your head up and have a drink for me!

  35. HI Hila,

    I have just started watching your videos. Very entertaining and I am learning a lot about cooking. Listen I am not sure about your religious beliefs and what ever they are is up to you. But I know that God does not put us through anything that he can’t help us get through. Have faith girl.

    Tom C

  36. We love your funny, and not funny, self, Hilah. We will sit and wait with you. I’m not so much the praying sort as I am the “hold you in my heart” sort because I don’t know exactly what you need except unconditional love and support and as my fellow human sister I can send that with no outcome or intent other than your health and happiness. Sometimes time, introspection, and a respect for our grief are just what we need and those things ought not to be rushed. I am a Victim Services professional by trade – grief is what I do. If I can help in a more meaningful way please feel free to contact me, otherwise, may the path back to peace and laughter be paved with the love of your friends, old and new, physical and virtual.

  37. Nicoleincos says:

    Hilah, I think you’re a very special lady. You’ve made me laugh so many times when I was feeling depressed, too. You’ve been through a lot and while I’ll miss your videos, I’m glad you’re taking some time! Beyond what you’ve been through emotionally, I’m sure that everything that happened reaked havok with your hormone levels.
    Thanks for taking the time to make me a better cook. I’m off to make some breakfast tacos with salsa verde (your recipe.) Love to you and Chris and I hope you find joy in those numbers turning from 2013 to 2014. I have a feeling it’s going to be one of your best ever! :)

  38. Hilah,

    My partner and I LOVE your stuff. It’s just so true and in your face about what food really is, something to be enjoyed and played with. But I also realize this is work for you and you’re just now processing everything that has happened this past year. Take the time and I look forward when you come back even better than before! :) Thank you for sharing – I hope it helped a bit!

  39. John McAleer says:

    OK that sucks bigtime. Really enjoy your website. You make me laugh, so really this isn’t about you it’s about making ME laugh, so get off your lazy ass and give me another fun recipe with humor in it cuz, well you know…it’s about me. Hope I made you smile Hilah because you have made me smile with your videos (See it is about me). Sometimes life shits on us kid. I’m sorry for your pain. Get better soon. Try equal parts of RUM-CHATA & FIREBALL over ice. Best to you & yours. John

  40. Hilah I’m a 40 year old man that suffers from major depression. As I shore you know depression takes all your passions and pleasures and motivation away. I’M SO sorry for your loss.
    But I also want to thank you, your show always puts a smile on my face and i had SO much Fun learning to cook things from your show. Anyway I hope you feel better soon and return to making your awesome show.
    I don’t know if you go to church or not, but that really helped me.

    Thanks for everything
    Jamie

  41. I hope sharing helps, Hilah…i cried a few times as i was reading, and want to tell you that my thoughts are with you…i do not pray much, and thoughts are cheap i know, but they are with you and your guy anyways…no words can helpnyour pain, let’s hope time can
    everyone that reads this, does so because we are fans, or they would not be on this page…even if some do not respond, you should feel confident that we all hope to see your smiling, sometime hung-over, face back soon, showing us the great home cooking that keeps us fans…we will be here when you do

  42. Oh Hilah, I’m so sad for you, too. I don’t know what it feels like to go through what you’ve been through but as for the “woman being able to procreate” thing, I totally know how that feels. My husband and I cannot have kids, for no apparent reason (unexplained infertility) so I totally relate to that sadness and anger. It does pass, and hopefully in your case it’ll be replaced with a squishy baby. Sending you lots of love and peace. xo

  43. Hilah – You are a wonderful inspiration and I want to send healing vibes to you. We have a son but he is not “normal” and that is a source of painful emotions for us as well. Many thanks for your standing up to the bigotry and hatred that seems to be engulfing us. All our love to you and Chris.

  44. Hilah,

    So sorry to hear about everything that you have been going through. Know that you have people from all over the world thinking, praying, and supporting you right now and always. I hope that 2014 can be filled with nothing but good news and happiness for you. Until then, stay strong and get better.

    Much love <3

  45. Hilah… You should take all the time you need, because everyone will still be here when you’re ready to film again and you can use the R&R. Extending my heartfelt prayers and well wishes to you during this troubling time. xx

  46. shiiiiit girl. listen, you take all the time you need. this will give us all a chance to catch up on the all the recipes you’ve filmed for us and that we have said we are totally going to make this week (i’m looking at you, peach cobbler). sending lots of love to you and Chris.

  47. Thank you for sharing this. I, too, have spent a good part of 2013 grieving a loss that no one knows about (in my case, not a miscarriage, but coming to terms with the fact that I won’t have children) and being pretty self-destructive about it. The holidays were brutally painful. Just reading someone write about grief and “mourning…[your] future motherhood” in the honest way you have done and realizing how much it validated what I’ve been going through gives me hope that I might be able to get through this by seeking out other people rather than isolating myself. I wish you the very best in 2014.

  48. Hey Hilah, I’m sorry you’ve been having a lemon of a year, and I hope that 2014 brings you a new start. Like my friend says, don’t make lemonade, don’t make batteries, make lemon monsters! This is just a silly comment which I hope will turn your grouchy face upside down into a smile, and I hope I see that sunny face in your videos again soon. http://ow.ly/s7YD9

  49. Adrian McManus says:

    So sorry for your loss. There are no words that could possibly help so I’m sending good vibes and thoughts your way down I-35 (from D-F-Dub)

  50. Spazzy Buns says:

    Hilah. Get yourself clean and healthy. You’re not going to get down the road you want to be traveling down until you do. Putting all that crap into your body just exacerbates the road clutter that life puts in front of all of us.
    Life is not an easy journey for anybody. So many people adore you including myself. Hopefully you can take that positive energy from us and use it to help you get through this difficult time.

    Best wishes.

    PQ.

  51. Lisa Brooke says:

    Hilah, I’m so sorry you’re feeling bad. I hope 2014 will bring lots of light and happiness. You have so many new internet friends (and real ones too, I’m sure) who care about you very much. Hugs to you and I wish you a wonderful 2014 with much success and happiness!

  52. I wasnt ready for a kid yet when i got pregnant a couple years ago. I kept thinking what ami gonna do with this? And then i miscarried….and i suddenly missed what i didnt want, what i barely had. I thought i would he happy, but i was depressed. It was really hard, and i learned that thats ok. You do have to grieve for this. I truely hope that you begin to feel better and grow through this. You are an amazing woman and your fans are behind you no matter what

  53. Hugs-hugs-hugs!

    Sending you love, light & courage…..♥

    ….breathe……

  54. Oh Hilah dear, tears and compassion fill my heart for you. Please know so many of us love you so much and will support you with whatever you need. I decided, when the smokes and wine would not wash the pain away, to see a therapist. (my awesome dr Pat). 10 months later, I still see her, sometimes weekly, just to let her help me with what tools I need to want to move forward. Big hugs from me to you, take a break, take it slow, each day do something nice for yourself! Love from Oregon.

  55. Hi Hilah,

    I wish you a speedy soul/mental/physical recovery. Things like that are not easy to get over, but hopefully with time, patience and help you will be able to smile again like before :), I am sure of it!!! And we, your audience and the people who you have change their mind in cooking (yes, because of you now I don’t boil my lasagna noodles to conserve water! :D) will be here in the meanwhile sending you our best and very good vibes down your way. Many hugs from a fan in Connecticut :) I hope 2014 will be better for you and everyone else who is going through a hard time :)

  56. Hilah…take all the time you need. Just know that you are a ray of sunshine, laughter, and learning for so many people out here on the interwebs. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling blue and shitty…it’s part of being human. We’ll still be here when you are ready to come back. Sending you love and hugs!

  57. Sorry to hear of your really shitty year, Hilah. I wish you a better year in 2014.

    As far as apologizing for taking time off the videos, “what the hell are you thinking”? Take whatever time you need. Frankly, I’m amazed anyone managed the year as well as it appeared on the outside. You one strong woman, woman!

    And as for the therapist, yep, good idea. I saw one many years ago while going thru a divorce, and I still make use of some of the insights given back then.

    Not much else to say other than it’ll be good to see you back WHEN YOU ARE READY, and not before. :-)

    Take care,
    Don

  58. Hilah,
    Firstly, I am so sorry that you’ve had to go through this. I am a cancer survivor (central nervous system with ovarian & cervical metastasis, diagnosed at age 22) and had to have a total hysterectomy in my 20′s, so believe me when I say I know how hard it is to fight the anger boiling inside you. Anger at the WHOLE world, and everybody in it. It will become a bitter hatred that will eat you alive if you let it. I found myself begrudging friends and relatives who were pregnant, almost hating them for it. You are a wonderfully funny, exuberant woman. Please don’t let this awful experience take your light away. I almost did, and I thank God every day for bringing me back from the brink. Much love and best wishes to you and Chris, I will be praying for you as you work your way through this <3

  59. Hilah – So sorry to hear how 2013 ended up being for you behind the scenes. We at the household can relate to many of the emotions and situations as we through few of them ourselves. Time off to reflect and figure things out is always the right thing to do. Positives vibes to you & Chris and looking forward on seeing you again on camera whenever you are ready.

  60. Chris Biggerstaff says:

    Dear Hilah and Chris

    I am sad you are experiencing such difficult times. I love what you do and the smiles you bring to me and all your fans. You are a highlight in my day. All your fans will all be here for you and Chris, take the time you need to heal. I’ll say a prayer.

    yours,

    Chris

  61. I just want to give you some hope. I know things suck now. Take the time you need to feel better. And let yourself feel better. My mom had a late miscarriage before she had my brother and me. They told her she would never get pregnant again. BOOM a year later, my bro was born. She just got lucky they believed then WHAPOW here I am.

    Its hard to have hope when something hurts. Its hard to let yourself be happy when you’re scared and when it feels like there’s no hope. But you should never give up hope. I was told a year ago my body would never support a child. But I’m not giving up hope. I’m going to have my children, either I will adopt them or I will find a surrogate mommy.

    If you’re feeling sad, there’s no shame in seeing a therapist. They’re supposed to help when people are sad. I’m so glad you’re cancer free and I believe you will be a great mom <3

  62. Pat Soltis says:

    Hilah,

    I’ve ben following your shows religiously for a number of years, and I had no idea that you’ve been so unhappy for so long. The best I can say is that I hope you’ll find your way through this somehow, and that we all may see you on the Internet again when you’re up to it.

    ps

  63. I’m so sorry for your loss and for everything you had to deal with this past year. I wish i could make it all better :( you take as much time as you need. we all understand, and we all love you and hope for the best. I’ll drink some glasses of wine tonight just for you. I would also recommend that you do see that therapist. it helps to talk to someone and let it all out. ::hugs::

  64. Hilah- Sharing this with everyone shows what a strong person you are. My thoughts are with you, and remember that the darkest hour is just before the dawn. :)

  65. Hilah,
    You are much stronger than you think. I have always loved your videos and humor – you’ve brightened my day many times. I wish you the very best – the days are getting longer now and soon you’ll be back on top!
    Much love,
    Dan

  66. You’re such a high spirited soul. I am so sorry you have had to go through this. We are only given what we can handle. Peace be with you Hilah. God be with you!

  67. I love your videos and your sense of humour. Reading these comments makes it so evident that we are all part of a larger family. Your family wants the best for you, and you will come through this stronger and wiser.

  68. Hilah, you are as brave as you are talented. To put your story out there takes such courage. I hope you find a little comfort in the fact that your story resonates with so many, and that your fans are all pulling for you. My admiration for you continues and I hope that you and Chris find the peace that you deserve in 2014.

  69. Tommy Long says:

    Look at how much you are love Hilah!! You have poured into all of us your love with your work here, now, God is letting us fill you with our love for you. This 2013 will pass, it’s sucked for my family too and friends. We lost my wife’s baby brother (29 years old), her boss had the same issue you have and a friend at church lost her baby late in the pregnancy. But life keeps going. I will pray for your family and I will pray for a Happy New Year!

    You are loved,
    Tommy

  70. I’m so sorry, Hilah. There are no words that I can write which would make you feel differently. Know that my heart goes out to you (and your husband) and that people do care.

  71. Hilah, so sorry to hear Of your sadness, from across the pond, my wife and I send you healing hugs. Speedy recovery xx

  72. I am so sorry Hilah. I hope you start to feel better soon. I will miss your smiling happy face during your hiatus but sometimes time off is what we need. Good luck with your future trials and I hope everything turns out for the best for you two. You are a wonderful person who has been filling our hearts full of joy and our bellies ;). Now its time for you to fill yours!

  73. Hilah,

    I know depression intimately, even if I can’t know exactly what a miscarriage and cancer scare feels like. The therapist is a great idea, and I really hope that you go to one if you feel that it’s something that you need.

    There is an outpouring of love for you here and on Facebook, and I just want to add my voice to chorus of people who are supporting you in the best ways that they know how, even if they haven’t actually met you. There are thousands of people out here who adore you for everything that you are. I know that being separated through the magic computer box makes it seem as though all of these people aren’t really real sometimes, but it’s good to remind yourself each one of these posts was made by a living, breathing, feeling person who just wants to reach out to you in sympathy because you’ve touched them in a profound way. Of course we are going to understand taking time off in order to heal. We will all be here when you return.

    The important thing, though, is to allow yourself time. You have to allow yourself time to mourn and everyone mourns in different ways. Don’t beat yourself up about how you’ve been mourning until this point, even if some would say it’s self-destructive, because they aren’t you. There isn’t a correct way to grieve. This post sounds like you’ve finally given yourself permission to heal–and that is one of the most important steps you can take. Keep giving yourself permission, and follow whatever path the journey takes you on. This is the time to lean on your support system–your friends and family–and if that isn’t enough, lean on us, too. We’ll listen.

    We love you out here in virtual land, Hilah. Don’t lose hope, even if all seems hopeless.

    Love ya!

  74. Hilah — what a shit year, dude. The only advice I can give to you is forgive yourself. For feeling boring and uncreative and unmotivated. You didn’t choose this…try not to let it kill your spirit. Ooh, also, see your therapist…talking shit out with mine is helping me out monumentally. It might help you, too.

    TTYL dawg.

  75. I just wanted to say thank you for helping me through a tough time with my health. Your videos not only cheered me up but got me interested in cooking more. You are in my prayers Hilah. :)

  76. Dear Hilah,

    I had a pregnancy similar. No heartbeat, a big blob on an ultrasound, after 2 live births. The medical term was different. The doctor said the baby hadn’t developed after 9 weeks, natures way of a bad gene mix, a non viable genetic combo to make a healthy baby. I refused his abortion discussion. 2 weeks later, we ultra sounded again, still no heartbeat.

    I lost a baby. My baby was dead. I didn’t create a healthy baby. It was not a miscarriage… although they said eventually my body would likely rid itself with a miscarriage, but for health reasons, a DNC was better, which I did, and like you… not covered… whatever.

    I was so sad, and I still am, 17 years later, about this loss. My baby died.

    I had been on birth control shots way back when, and had been off them for a year and a half trying to conceive, and this was what i conceived.

    A year later, I got pregnant with Landon. He’s in my latest “hot dog lunch” video. I have 3 boys, 21, 20 and Landon, 16.

    I’m going through a divorce, and am very sad, so I’m taking time off from videos now too, and am also sad about the changes at Youtube. It’s been hard for me with the comments going haywire. I don’t make much money, and my production is more expensive than earnings…la di dah…

    I’m very sorry for you. I know some of what you may be going through. I have a connection to you, I made a video about my visit to Tastemade when Rob Nixon came in and you guys had a fun time in your tour of taste made. I did a response video and got like 60K hits…

    Anyways, so sorry and am very glad to read your story. I’m so glad you wrote it. You lost your first baby, it was a misfire. For me, the consolation were the words my doctor said that it was genetically not viable, and nature’s way… He also went on to say that 1/3 of all pregnancies are naturally lost… a late period is what happens… that was soothing at some level. I just was holding onto the pregnancy and knew about it. Most don’t ever know, and the pregnancies are lost earlier than mine… I had been obsessing with the pregnancy kits because I wanted to be pregnant. So I knew when I was and got excited and went to the OB, but others may not have gone so quickly in my position, and when the late period came, they would know…

    Anyways, please contact me if you’d like any more support, or anything else, ever, regarding anything. I admire all you’ve done on your channel, good for you.

    Best regards,

    Rebecca Brand

  77. Hilah (and Chris),

    F, Just F. What else is there to say? My very dear friend went through something similar and I said all the things you’re not supposed to say. So, my advice is: cry when you need to, go for a walk when you can, have another breakfast taco, and know that someone in NYC thinks you’re the tops.

  78. Kelli Harding says:

    Hilah, there is no amount of uplifting comments that will make this any easier but I hope that this out pouring of love to you (and Chris of course) warms your heart at least a little. You are so brave to come forward and share this with the world. I understand your comment of ” as soon as you become pregnant you become a mother”. Your baby was not nonexistent, not to you and that’s what matters. Mourn your little angel and when you are ready go back to “not-not-trying.” We will all be here, waiting for the return of our friend.

    Much love, hugs, and prayers from Oregon.

  79. you hardly need more commentary but from one of many fans who see you as more than just “that girl who does videos and posts recipes”, all the best…

  80. Just know we love what you do, and we care about you. Please take all the time you need and we will be here if and when you feel like doing more videos.

  81. Hilah, you’re doing important work. Mourning a loss and yet moving forward. The moving forward is always fraught with fear and difficulties, but you’re doing it. One foot in front of the other, as my mom would say.

    I’m the mother of 4 and had to meet several fertility challenges. Luckily, and through the grace of advanced medicine they’re here, and we’re all healthy.

    Take this time to reflect and continue on your path, which is one that is positive.

    Best wishes for a happy 2014!

  82. Hi Hilah, so sorry to hear about your terrible year! Please take as much time as you need and we’ll be here when you are ready. I sincerely hope 2014 will be your best year ever!!! We love you here in NY!

  83. Hey there cool woman, dude!

    heres a great side from your shitty situation – im 24 and ive never done anything even close to edible in my life (overreacted – i did eggs – something between scrambled and sunny side up) so this december ive decided to learn how to cook. I usually say i hate cooking and my boyfriend says hes okay with that but i kind of think hes annoyed :) so! ive decided to start somewhere and i started on youtube with your videos and so far im only looking at them – in an awe … cause it feels like magic for me..but very soon im gonna get my hands dirty with flour, baking soda, dough and ..stuff.. :) so thanks for giving me time to keep up with you and your videos! im gonna investigate them and be an expert until you decide to make another one – or not- no presh.. so – just giving you a heads up dude – get well and remeber youre not alone – everybody goes through personal dramas…

    Regards from Croatia!!! from a cooky-rookie – i know -lame.
    ;)

  84. i say – dude in my post cause you regard everyone with dudes .. hope thats understandable :)

  85. Ron Bickford says:

    Take all the time you need. Love your show.

  86. Hilah – I’m so sorry to hear what you have been going through. It’s so good that you are taking the time you need to grieve, feel, cry, reflect… whatever. – basically to just be exactly where you are. Sending you all sorts of virtual love and support. xo

  87. Kiddo, the only intelligent thing to say is “Dammit”. Anything more runs the risk of sounding like a Hallmark/Lifetime Christmas movie — heartfelt but sappy. So……Dammit.

  88. Hey Girl,
    Just wanted to give you my support and tell you that I also had a miscarriage several years ago. One minute you think things are going fine, and the next your whole world feels like it’s falling apart. One thing that my husband and I did was to plant a tree as a memorial for the baby that we would have had. A few weeks ago, my daughter (the one I got pregnant with several months after the one I lost) drew a picture of a tree and underneath it had written the words “Tree Not Ordinary”. I shrugged and hung it on our fridge. She came into the kitchen and saw it and asked me if I liked it.
    Me: Yes. Its beautiful with the leaves you drew on it.
    Her: But do you know *which* tree it IS?
    Me: Ummmm… no. Why don’t you tell me.
    Her: It’s the baby tree. I drew it because it is special.
    Me: (frozen… trying to stay composed) It is very special.
    Her: And do you know why I think you planted it? I think you planted it because you won’t ever get to see your baby grow up, but you can watch the tree grow instead, and it will make you smile.
    All I could do was hug her.
    The thing to remember is that there is no right or wrong thing to do. You just do what makes you feel better… and it is different for everyone. You are an amazing and strong woman and this is only a small set back in your awesome life.
    Virtual Hugs

  89. Pat Soltis says:

    Hilah,

    OK, this is probably more ill-informed advice than I should try to offer, but here goes.

    Therapists:

    There are many types of therapists and many “styles” of psychotherapy. It can be hard to find one that works for you. It’s a lot to ask of someone who’s seriously unhappy, but it might be worthwhile to “interview” several therapists and pick one with whom you feel comfortable and who seems to be most likely to be helpful.

    I worked with a medical psychiatrist for the better part of fifteen years. He had me on psychotropic drugs for a good part of that time. His approach was very gentle and forgiving. When push came to shove, he earned his money. He saw me through the decay of my marriage, my divorce, and my father’s death. In that order.

    Today I’m therapy-free and drug-free, going on twelve years.

    Maybe I shouldn’t even mention that it’s New Year’s Eve.
    Best wishes to you and Chris.

    Pat

    • Pat (and of course Hilah),

      You make a VERY good point. I am a therapist, and at my first session with any new client I take the time to discuss this very issue, using the analogy of Soda flavors and how we all have a favorite that ‘works’ for us, and maybe a second/third choice that will do in a pinch. But we also all have a soda flavor that we just would never drink. Therapists come in all different flavors/styles. It is important to find your ‘flavor’. I always tell my clients that if, at any time, it seems like therapy isn’t ‘working’ for them, or that I am not their ‘flavor’, then all they have to do is tell me and I will work hard at making sure they find a therapist who is right for them. The most important thing is that any person seeking help gets HELP. I have been on both sides of the therapist/client relationship and I know from experience that getting help can be a daunting task. I’m glad to hear that you are therapy and drug free! Congratulations!

      And Hilah, please remember that if you decide that seeking therapy is the right thing for you, remember that getting through the door for the first time is the hardest part for most people. Once you do that, you have done a lot for yourself already. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You have endured an unimaginably difficult year and you are obviously a very strong woman.

  90. I have never heard of a molar pregnancy, but I had blighted ovum and lost my pregnancy on my 3rd anniversary. It was my second miscarriage. I feel your loss deeply. My heart goes out to you and your husband.
    Much much love to you both.
    Jewel

  91. Hilah and Chris.

    Sorry to here about all the bad in 2013 for the both of you. My thought and prayers are with you both. Take the time you need to get through this trying time of your life. All your fans will be here. If you have family, friends or even a therapist you trust. Just being able to express your feelings can be a big help in the healing process. I wish you and Chris a Happy and healthy 2014. Take care.

    Chris

  92. Nothing to do but to do what you have to do to heal. It’s smart that you’re taking some time off and just take care of yourself, Hilah. X

  93. Hey there Hilah,

    You just take all the time you need to feel better. I can’t imagine going through something like that, but rest, love and support from your fam/friends should eventually do the trick.

    And thank you so much for all the delicious recipes (the Texas style slow roasted beef ribs is now one my “go to” party pleasing dishes).

    Sending good thoughts/vibes y’all’s way.

    -b

  94. I just want to give you a BIG hug.

    That is a tough year for sure. We would never know this based on your videos. I mean, the fact that you were still making videos is crazy. But it also indicates you are an incredibly strong woman. I would not have been able to do half the stuff you did.

    We understand you need to mourn/grieve honey. Just because there was no fetus doesn’t mean that in your mind and in your heart there was none. It is totally understandable that you need some time off. You MUST take a break, for your mental and emotional well-being. We want you healthy Hilah!

    I am hopeful for blessings to come your way in 2014. Love and hugs <3

  95. Hi Hilah,

    Often when we have the need to share our feelings and thoughts, it’s not about seeking advice but rather to put it ‘out there’ in the universe, and possibly rid ourselves of some of it. I heard an analogy about how we all carry a suitcase filled with life’s sadness, disappointments, let downs, and a thousand other things that really have no value in our life. We all need to put the suitcase down, look at each thing, forgive ourselves and others, then let it go.
    We usually don’t understand the whys of life, so we just have to figure out a way to accept and adapt.
    Just breathe, make a plan, figure out how to make that plan come to fruition and get started.
    Let this first day of the new year be a clean slate for you. Unpack the suitcase and put it in the closet.
    Sending love and best wishes your way,
    Steph

  96. Hola you are truly an inspiration, I can’t say that I know exactly how you feel but I have an idea. Depression sucks, and it’s okay to let it all out. It’s been a couple of years since I started watching your videos and I have learjerned a lot. You always make my day when I’m feeling down. I real hope that you feel better soon. I know you’ll get through this, because I can see you are a strong person. My heart goes out to you, many blessings for you and much love.

  97. I’m so sorry, that’s a lot to deal with. Take the time you need and do what’s right for you. I hope everything works out for the best because you deserve it.

  98. Dearest Hilah,
    Thank you for sharing your story. You have held up so well for 2013. You are amazing. Take the time you need and make the most of it with Chris and your four legged boys. I love your show and your posts to IG, but none of that is important compared to what you need to do for you. Hang in there Hilah. You have so much love from all your fans.
    Love
    Gary

  99. Kirby Conn says:

    Hilah thank you for being so open with how you have been feeling the last few months. So much of depression revolves around feeling like a broken human being, and if more people were open about it we could at least take comfort that these feelings are a perfectly normal reaction to some of the insanely shitty cards that life can deal sometimes.

    I can with complete sincerity say you are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. You are intelligent, charismatic, generous, curious, and hilarious. I know you would make a fantastic mom. If for any reason you have problems down the road adoption is always an option. But you have every ounce of what it takes to be a mom, no question about it.

    I’m sorry that you are feeling bad and if there is anything I can do, just say the word. I love you homegirl and I always will.

  100. Dear Hilah,
    I am studying to be a nurse and eventually a Physician Assistant. We have done our psych rotation already. My Mom was a psych nurse. It is good to see that you acknowledge you need a break. There is lots of fear about being depressed, you are entitled to be feeling this way. You are strong just for saying about your struggle. Meds can help a great deal. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is most effective. I care a great deal about people no matter if we have never met.

    Recognize what you are great at. Give yourself credit for EVERYTHING. Give yourself a break (done) and if some good sleep and time away does not get you back on track then tell your doc. Tell somebody, go talk to a psychiatrist they are the ones with medical training. Above all take care of yourself. This too will pass, you have given it time and I hear your hurt in your writing here.

    Make a private journal maybe email to yourself. Heck you can email to me I have no license although I can listen. I have been through the shittiest last 12 months also, now my knee is busted ACL completely torn apart severed with no hope for repair except replacement with new (dead) tendon from a cadaver donor. I am so glad to hear that your health has been cleared. Your feelings are valid and normal. You are so right we are Mom’s from the minute we conceive.

    Why these things happen become clear later years when we least expect.
    I hope you find your MoJo soon. I hope this helps you some too.

    MJ

  101. I wanted to look up for you what this condition is that your body has gone through. Here you will find the definition and you can click on the side tabs that have symptoms, causes, and more info about coping and support. Just so you know the medical community also considers a regular pregnancy as a “tumor” a foreign body that benefits from the host (us Mom’s).

    I hope this helps you some.
    MJ

  102. mayoclinic org /diseases-conditions/molar-pregnancy/basics/causes/con-20034413

  103. Thank you for your honesty and courage in sharing such a personal story with your fans. I’ve watched your videos all year long and you always seemed peppy and bright. I am so sorry to hear that you’ve been having such a time. I truly wish you the very best 2014 ever! You truly deserve it in return for the joy you bring to others.

  104. Hilah, just a note for 2014. Remember……somedays you’re the bug. And somedays you’re the windshield!!!!! Be strong!!!

  105. I have watched you on YouTube for a while now and I love your Chanel!! I have never really checked out the blog, but the other day I was watching and thinking, what a great mom you would be with your silliness and carefree, laid back personality… So when I came to your blog and read this post it brought tears to my eyes. Even therapist go to therapy because sometimes everyone needs that time to talk those feelings out loud to work through them! I hope that you can find peace and I have faith that one day, your feelings of loss will be replaced with overwhelming joy!! Keep on writing and cooking, they can both be quite therapeutic!! <3

  106. FoodJunkie says:

    So sorry to learn or your sad news. What a difficult time you have had. I am happy that at least physically things are looking up. I think you’re entitled to a little down time but we will be glad to see you back when you’re ready. These things can be difficult to deal with and can really mess with your head and your emotions. You have a lot of faithful fans rooting for you and I hope that support helps a little. -Kim

  107. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, Hilah and Chris. :(

    I lost my first baby at 12 weeks and I was absolutely devastated. Just as your friend said, we become mothers as soon as we find out we are pregnant. My husband and I went on to have two beautiful, healthy daughters within the next four years. But then this past April, I went through yet another miscarriage and all of those feelings and emotions came flooding back. It’s a very painful experience. I found that writing really helped me work through my feelings and begin healing.

    I pray that you continue to heal as well, both physically and emotionally.

  108. {{{{{HUG}}}}}

  109. Anastasia says:

    I don’t think you are even close to being a crybaby. You are a brave woman who had a shitty year. I hope things are looking up and I am so happy that you are physically healthy and all the mental stuff will come in time. *hugs*

  110. Hilah,

    I’m just an old guy who came across your videos a few years ago and have enjoyed watching them since then. I noticed that you hadn’t posted anything new and came here and saw this blog post.

    I got no advice for you. It hurts. I’ll never experience what happened to you. I do know that things will get better with time and am sending good thoughts your way in the hopes that things will get better for you sooner rather than later.

    I’m sure that for every person that takes the time to write a supportive note there are hundreds more that have you in their thoughts.

    Your videos are fun and informative and I always look forward to watching them. You bring a lot of joy to a lot of people out here on the internet and I want you know that you do make a difference.

    So enough of the mushy stuff. Take as much time as you need but get better. We’re all waiting!

    Pete

  111. Hilah, I hope you are well. I lost two and had two. After the first time I was hollow and retreated from life/work/friends/family. Everything and anything reminded me about it. Time does heal, if you let yourself heal, which means working through all those emotions that won’t make sense and defy logic. You’ll get there, not back to who you thought you were, but the next level of “you”. I’m sorry for what happened, hugs my dear!

  112. Dearest Hilah, I have been wondering why you haven’t been doing your videos and today I finally found out why. I thought maybe you had a terrible accident or was ill. I’m happy to hear that you are physically well again and now comes the healing of the soul.

    As difficult as it may be, please be grateful that you are physically well again. If it is in the cosmic plan, you will have a baby one day. But right now you need to know that it was not meant to be at that time. Please stay off the liquor and only take meds if you really need them. You don’t want to become dependent on them and get into a horrible mess. Cleanse your body and your soul and try your best to be grateful that you have no physical maladies and that you have your husband to stand by you and your friends & youtube friends who love you dearly.

    You are a very brave person for sharing your feelings and what you have been going through the past year. No one would ever know it in their wildest dreams…you put up a very good front!!! You’re amazing and I love you for it Hilah.

    Allow yourself to mourn now, you didn’t do it when all this happened and now it has come to a head. You will get better and you will be more understanding of yourself and your strength. Give yourself credit and allow yourself time to be sad. It is a human thing…We will all be waiting for you when you fell the need to come back to us. God bless you and your husband dear girl…you are loved dearly!!

  113. Hilah, I won’t say you’ll get over it because you won’t. The pain will lessen and hopefully someday you will have a tiny Hilah underfoot driving you crazy. I am probably old enough to be your grandmother and have had friends that have gone through some pretty rough times heath wise. I just want you to know we all love you and as a granny it’s my duty to say “Watch that mouth young lady”. ;-)

  114. Dee from Guam says:

    My condolences on the loss of your grandma & baby. I’m happy to hear that you are in the clear now to move forward at your own pace and appreciate you opening up to me and the subscribers that keep up with you. Thank you for all that you’ve done & shared thus far and I hope you feel better soon. Help may come in the form of an unexpected visit, call, or chance meeting of some sort. I hope that happens for you and you find comfort in your distress…..lots of thoughts and a prayer for you Hilah. Take care and regards to Chris.

  115. Thanks for helping me understand that experiencing my grief was part of healing. I understand that now only because of your having the compassion to share your loss and suffering. Compassion starts with oneself. Calling yourself “weepy” or I’ll be ok, is dismissive.

    You lost a life inside of you, and you can start anew when you are finished healing. No rush.
    Real suffering is always alone. “You’ll be ok” usually comes from those who don’t want to believe that reality. You are suffering because you care, about the life you lost and the innocence you lost. Being alone with your suffering just means being nice to yourself not ignoring it, being compassionate with yourself. You now have that gift to give to others. you will have earned that right of someone who has “been there, done that”.

    The feeling/actions you describe, sound like mine that I had many years ago, so you are not alone. Your post is an emotional hug to someone who may be sitting in front of a computer screen feeling emotionally devastated. That some is sitting there now or years from now reading an old post on Hilah International, Inc. (The google of cooking websites.)

    Sure wish words were hugs, and my eyes were younger so I could see all the typos on this page.

    Thank you Hilah, words cannot express…….
    :)

  116. Hilah, as I am sure others have said, I found this due to missing your wonderful videos. As much as I might try, I cannot begin to imagine what you and Chris are going through. I wish there was some magic bit of advice I could offer, but I’ve simply never been good at that – knowing or finding the right words. I am sorry to hear you had to go through this but am glad you are healing physically, and I hope you are continuing to feel better. I don’t know, sometime words just don’t sufice.

    Feel better.

  117. Hilah Hilah Hilah,
    I’ll keep this short and sweet since there has been an abundance of other comments…
    The first year is the hardest. It will get easier. Give yourself credit for making it this far!
    Know that you are loved by many!
    Hope to see you soon! But if not, it’s quite alright. ;-)
    Stay warm tonight, and don’t drive in this crazy weather!
    ~Heather
    Round Rock

  118. xoxo. thinking of you and chris.

  119. {{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}

  120. Hilah-

    I can’t imagine your feelings of loss, confusion and anger. I only hope you allow yourself to grieve, heal and then laugh again! Because life goes on and you my dear are a beautiful verse in this crazy world!! I hope you heal in every way and also in your own time. Your fans will be waiting for you when you are ready.

    Missing you-
    Sarah

  121. Dear Hilah,

    I’m so sorry. Hope you’re getting better gradually. We’ll all support you. God bless you. {HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

  122. A couple weeks back I posted in your last video “hope everything is okay” and luckily someone posted “she explains things in her blog”, so here I am feeling for you, but less worried. What a heart wrenching experience this all must have been. Even though we’ve had no contact other than a couple youtube comments replied to, I feel like we are friends. Your funny comments and good attitude in your videos would always brighten my day. I understand if you aren’t up to it right now. I just wanted you to know, in case it helped you, that people all over the world that you have never met care about you and are hurting because you are hurt.

  123. Hilah,

    I’ve never tried one of your recipes (i have made one for my dogs, but I didn’t try it:). I come to your channel for you. Your personality gleams. You’re witty, open, sweet and lovely. I’m sorry that such a terrible thing had to happen to such an amazing person. Not sure why things work out that way. But, I am sure that, in time, things do get better; that if you keep trudging along eventually this period will be a blip in the remarkable story that is your life.

    All my best to you.

    Faren

  124. Hi,

    I just discovered your website this afternoon. I suddenly got the brainstorm that I wanted to learn how to make bread … and there you were. Waiting for me! I thought your video on the easy way to bake bread was funny, cheeky and clever. I’m looking forward to trying out your recipes while watching you create them on the screen.

    You’ve had a pretty rough time of it. I’m so sorry. You obviously have a huge following of very kind souls and I agree with all of their thoughtful comments.

    I remember how absolutely alone I felt when my precious baby son came into this world in 1968…. far too soon. At 2 lbs 9 oz … in an ill-equipped country hospital … he didn’t have a chance. I was devastated. I felt like no one understood how desperate I was to talk and talk about my experience … or wanted to hear me talk about my feelings. Everyone just avoided any mention of my pregnancy and went on about their business. It was like I’d never announced I was pregnant. I suppose they were afraid I would cry. To this day when I think about him (like now) I wonder what he’d have been like if he’d been allowed to thrive and grow up.

    Hang in there kid. Do all the smart things. Avoid all the dumb things
    ;-). Right now those clouds seem pretty grey … but that wont last … I promise. One day you will hold your perfect baby in your arms and there will be sunshine in your life once again.

    Kindest regards,

    Louise R

  125. Hi girlie. My heart just broke when I finally read this. My sister was my only bridesmaid at my itty bitty wedding in 1986 and she had a miscarriage the day before. She bravely trooped through the wedding and reception and finally told me about it a few days later. What love you and she both showed to keep your commitment in the shadow of such a sad event. I lost our first child early in the marriage so I thought it might run in the family. But after talking to other women I’ve found about 75% had had a miscarriage. My doctor told me it was Gods way of correcting a heartbreak. Boy my heart sure felt broken then anyway. But my sister had three girls and I ended up with three girls…two of them being twins. So there is light at the end of the rainbow. As with all crappy things that will happen to you in your life, as each day passes, it gets a little better. Never forgotten but better. Love ya Hilah. You gots bunches of girlfriends to lean on.

  126. Hilah, I have dreamed of being a mother ever since I can remember. It took 36 years to find the father though and about 18 months of trying to get pregnant. We held our breath for 12 weeks and then for a month after that just to be sure. So when I was told at 19 weeks that the heartbeat had stopped, I truly felt devastated. I definitely feel I had become a mother already and holding my dead daughter then burying her was the saddest thing. I had to have surgery for huge fibroids and will hopefully complete the recovery period next month and be given the green light to start trying again I hope. I’ve also been binging like crazy. I don’t want to go into details of how I feel and how I express it destructively but somehow I’ve survived. I just hold onto the idea of how fortunate I still am relatively speaking. I think of all I have (good marriage, home, etc) and tell myself to appreciate it because it could all disappear too. I know it sounds gloomy but somehow it helps me. Just keep thinking of all you have (your talent, your fans, your family, friends, standing mixer lol, etc) and do what you need to do to feel better. I feel for you Hilah. It’s awful. I hope one day I can watch a recipe video of yours with a baby on my arms and with yours happily asleep in his/her crib… It will happen. Just have faith and try your best to take care of your health. I say this as much to myself as you. Love, julan

  127. Yolanda Pasillas says:

    Dear Hilah,
    I’m not exactly sure how to write what I want to say without it sounding totally cheesy and “Oh I feel for you”. But the bottom line is I’m really sorry that this happened to you. I wish you all the best. You are such a freakin’ cool person and I totally admire you. You make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me want to use the f’ word all the time and you make me want to EAT. You are beautiful, inspirational and totally fucking funny!

    Much love,
    Yolanda

  128. Hi Hilah..!
    I wanted to send you this wonderful song sung by Luciano Pavarotti but the best I could find was http://bit.ly/1d7uzI8.
    You’re going to make a great Mom..!

  129. Hello Hilah, I can’t say that I understand how you feel because I don’t. I never had a miscarriage, but I did almost lose a baby. I was admitted to the hospital at 32 weeks with low amniotic fluid and told by my obgyn that we were going to play a game called “chicken.” We would wait and see how long we could go until the baby would cut off her own air supply. I had tried for 3 years to get pregnant and couldn’t believe this was happening. Needless to say, she was born by Csection (they couldn’t even measure the fluid at this point, so the game was over) at 35 weeks and spent 10 days in the NICU (biggest baby in there at 5 lb. 3 oz.) I was so blessed and then came round two. I was monitored constantly as high risk until one day I didn’t feel the baby move. It was 36 weeks and I was rushed to the hospital and delivered by Csection. The cord was wrapped around her neck 3 times. With that being said, I still can’t say I know how you feel, but I can say it will get better and I want to wish you and Chris the best. My husband and I love your show and we know you will be a great mom. Feel better!

  130. Robert Eller says:

    Hi Hilah Like you I’ve had a bad couple of years from getting a divorce to losing vision in 1 of my eyes to losing my job for losing my eye. Wow! Anyway when I was at a all time low I had a cousin come up to me and she said “Life has dropped a cosmic turd on you.” There is not a day goes by when I think of that line it just cracks me up. Hope that line puts a smile on your face like it did mine. Thanks for all you do and hope life becomes constipated for a while.

  131. Hi Hilah
    It sounds all so confusing with medical terminology that’s so difficult to understand. It does sound like talking to somebody would be a good idea if anything to move along the process of healing.
    My thoughts, prayers, and blessings are with you

  132. Like one of those crazy cat posters – hang in there! Things get better.

    I, too, was in a very dark place for quite some time after learning that I would never biologically be a mother. I was in an emotionally horrible marriage, which I only fully realize now that I’m in a happy and healthy relationship with someone who truly cares about me.

    Anyway, I know it’s not the same thing but I feel that being told you’re infertile at age 24 and there’s nothing that can be done to change that, is like the death of all your future children. It took me at least 3 years to finally be “OK” with being infertile. I still have my moments of “why me?” but then I stop and think about all the wonderful things I have in my life. And I think that had I actually had a child with my then-husband, how awful it would have been on that child when the marriage ended. So I guess what I’m saying is, things happen for a reason even if we don’t understand it at the time. You’re a strong and wonderful person and I’m sure things will work out for the best!

  133. My Dear Hilah,
    I just now read your blog post because you directed us to it through your new video on Hilah Talking. Oh, man! You had a rough 2013 and none of your YouTube, .com fans knew it. I’m so sorry.

    You had and still have every right to grieve the loss of your baby. And remember… there is no written time limit for grief. Ever.

    In my life, whenever I have faced loss, I allow myself to grieve. I don’t try to mask it or ignore it.
    Grief is there to help us heal.

    Please know you are loved by people you’ve never met. That’s the strange thing about the internet stuff you do. But there’s a lot of beauty in that, too. You’ve been able to reach out to so many and we’ve been a part of your life.

    I’m so happy you’re back.
    Bring on the food, wisdom, humor and your beautiful pups.

    With lots of love,
    Christine

  134. 2013 wasn’t a good year for ether of us. In February was knocked out of a crosswalk 75 feet through an intersection by a hit-and-run driver (never caught) which broke my left leg in 7 pieces. A massive post-op infection in that leg put me in the hospital again and they had me sign a consent form for an above-the-knee amputation. I couldn’t work for several months and got evicted.
    All that seems to me like nothing compared to what you had to face, but I know what it’s like to have to put on a happy face and function when all you feel like is digging a hole and pulling the grass over you.
    Today I am glad that you and I both are mending physically, emotionally and spiritually. I can walk today with a cane for short distances on my own two legs and recently got cleared to climb stairs again. I am working again at my old job and earning my way out of the motel I landed in when I became homeless.
    Here’s to 2014 being the year when we overcome.

  135. Jacqueline says:

    Hi, Hilah. I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through. I definitely believe that scheduling that appointment with your therapist is a good idea. You’re such a wonderful person & I’m sending love, light & best wishes your way. Take care of yourself, beautiful. Stay strong. (‘:

  136. James Goacher says:

    Oh Hilah!
    Just reading around your site and happened on this. I feel awful that about a couple of week or so ago to ask when you were getting input to iTunes Podcasts.
    Lots of years ago now my wife aborted a planned pregnancy and I have some inkling of your feelings. We got the job done succesfully about a year later. Now he is 6’4″ and much older than you.
    Women are strange things (thank goodness) and sometime during the pregnancy of the succesful attempt while just sitting around she declared that he (note he) would have been one year old today. Bemused I did a rough calculation and it seemed about right and I am absolutely certain it would have been a boy.
    Be a strange woman :-) and think kindly of your lost infant.

    Love James

  137. Wow, Hilah! Thank you so much for bearing it all and sharing this. I KNOW that you’re going to help others out there who go through what you’ve just gone through. Thanks for being honest and vulnerable. I’m so glad you’re back up and running cause we love your videos;)

  138. Holly Spotted Owl Crap Lady…. some days, months, years.. the road is bumpy others not so much. Please know many of us hold you and your husband in our Prayers. The light at the end of the tunnel isn’t always a train! I’ve learned after the passing of my wife of 40 years it takes a bit of time… for me it’s been 8 years, but I’ve finally come to the end of that tunnel and the light is brighter for me.
    Your light will bet brighter as the time progresses.
    Please know you are in my Prayers…..

  139. Hilah, I am so saddened by what you are going through. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks about 14 years ago, not the molar kind, but a miscarriage nonetheless, and I’m not sure that I’ll ever be completely “over it.” Everyone’s grieving process is different. Thanks for sharing parts of your story.

    On a different note, I am a huge fan of your cooking videos and cookbooks, and I’ve directed all my lady friends, and some guy friends too, to your blog. I love that you have so many Texas-comfort style dishes. And your dad’s Beer Beef Stew is really awesome!

    Know that you’re loved!
    Carolyn

  140. :hugs:

  141. Life is what it is. But YOU have to look at and accept all the support you are receiving because of the web site Chris and you created. How awesome is that!!!!!!!
    Please respond.. We still need a cook on the Grand in September.

  142. Oh damn, Honey, I’m so sorry! Your friend was right from that moment you became “mommy” & the 1st year is the hardest. I agree seeing someone outside of friends/family like a therapist is very helpful with the healing. Hang in there Girl! We all love ya & know you’ll get through this!

  143. I think you ROCK. Love your videos. So sorry about your loss and the rough time you’ve had, hang in there. Talking to someone is a great idea. Allow yourself to feel, mourn, cry, etc. … is healing. I too have experienced several miscarriages BUT I have a wonderful – healthy – 10 year old son … so HOPE. My own mom had 4 healthy children but as many miscarriages. Life is strange. I wish you all the best and thank you for making me laugh and try new recipes!

  144. Hey Friend! I feel like I’ve known you for years because I’ve watched most of your videos and I just love you! I’m so sorry for both your losses–your baby and grandma. I think you sharing this experience was a big step and I think you’re headed in the right direction. Thanks for teaching me some mean cooking skills!

  145. Hey Hilah,
    I know I am posting this a little late. I have haf quite a year of my own with my Dad going into a deeper hard to manage level of Alzheimers. I am so sorry you have
    been through your own personal hell. I hope you can find your space to be gentle with yourself. Might tell you later just how much we (my daughter and I) have enjoyed everything youve ever done. You’re awesome and real and I wish we could go burn a cigarello with a cup of “hot toddy” coffee and maybe a doobie on my porch. Please take care of you and dont feel guilty for doing it.

    Amy

  146. Bob Gifford says:

    Hilah,

    So very sorry for the horrible time you experienced. Frankly, I am quite surprised one of your Drs. did not prescribe an antidepressant for a short time to allow you relief until your mind adjusted and digested the past misery. Perhaps IF you feel down in the future you will consider it. These meds are not additive. At any rate, my prayers are with you and you appear to be “on your way”. Peace!
    Oddly, we have a 26 yr old daughter with major depression and personality disorder (persecution) who has decided about 6 months ago to stop all meds. I am at the point of family counseling now as the moods from her are constant hatred and anger laden. Absolutely refused to take the med that will make her normal- Weird. Cancelled all Dr. appointments. She was born with Hep. B (korean adoption) and has stopped that med as well. She is clearly on a very bad road.
    I am so happy your road is a good one and hey, the egg rolls I am going to try- with shredded carrot.
    Enjoying the videos, Bob Gifford

    • James Goacher says:

      This thread has been open for a long time now and you must have groaned on occaision.
      My own wife who lost what would have been our secon child was/is a robust mother and after we both had our tearful bits got on with the process of becoming pregnat again.
      I am assuming that you are reading this thread now and then and may I suggest that you close it. We have all expressed our dismay and support. Now it is time for you and your Hubbie to get cracking on other things. I do not know the best way to say that you have to get rid of our platitudes and get on with your and future life.
      This is meant in the best way I can and if I were a personal friend to you, this is what I would be saying.

      Big group cuddles and then tell us to sod-off :-) I am English, sorry for a cultural mismatch.

      James

  147. Hilah,
    The suggestion that you close this thread saddens me.

    From the start your post seemed like it was intended as a “gift” to some of those who would come across it and read it.

    It was “Hilah’ supporting others out there by reliving a painful experience…..

    It never occured for me the you intended your post was to be about you.

    You will know when to close it, if ever.
    Jeff

  148. Hilah,

    I just discovered you about a week ago on youtube. Instant love! Sad this morning to read this blog. BUT! I’m very happy to know that you are healthy and recovering.

    You have an openness that is inspirational, a natural beauty that is unpretentious, and a Texas charm about you that’s infectious. And you can just plain flat out cook, lights out!

    Huge fan

  149. Kathy Suthard says:

    OMG!!! I just read this. The fact that you shared this very personal information with your devoted followers makes me love you
    even more. Love you Hilah. Best wishes and good health : )

    Kathy

  150. Jo lynne says:

    I know I am a little late to the party, but so sorry to hear about 2013, glad ur back. Ur very talented, and ur openness and vulnerability is amazing. Wish we could all b a little more open in the way u have been with us. Thx

  151. Ooh Hilah!
    It was so beautiful that you have wrote about this soo personal and devastating experience.It really shows a lot of strength and courage and even though i don’t know you I’m kinda proud of you :) It made me think about these sad experiences and losses we all go trough during our life time, and how we go forward and try to be happy again because that is the point after all. we have to enjoy our lives cause thats all we have. and loss is a terrible thing but maybe these things will make you value life and the time you spend with family and friends more. YOU GO GIRL! Beautiful things will come to you!!
    A HUUUGE Hug B

  152. Wow, this made me cry the entire time I read it! I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I just discovered you a few months ago on youtube. (You are totally hilarious by the way!) So I am just discovering your site. In 2011 I had a very similar “shit storm” kind of year. I was newly married (12/11/10) and so excited to start a family. My husband and I were also “not-not-trying” but we also were not putting a lot of pressure on ourselves either.

    Towards the middle of April I felt like maybe I might be pregnant. I wasn’t sure…not ever being pregnant I was not sure what to expect. After getting up the nerve (I have a very long history with female “issues”) on May 6, I took a test. It was POSITIVE! I was so excited. I took 6 test just to make sure LOL.

    On May the 8th my world took a hard plummet south! I hadn’t felt that day. We were watching TV and I was about to start getting ready for work. I worked graveyard. By the time I got to work I was hurting so bad I had become very ill. My husband picked me up and we went to the E.R.. All I can remember thinking is please don’t let this hurt the baby!

    Six days later, I was laying in a hospital bed with an 8 inch scar on my stomach, a chart full of treatment plans and NO BABY! I was diagnosed with PCOS, and a very large malignant tumor that was literally tearing my insides apart (sorry so graphic). All that combined had my hormones way out of whack. Which made me feel like my body was going through “changes”, hence the reason I felt pregnant. Also off balanced hormones cause false positives with pregnancy test.

    I had a great group of surgeons. They assured my family and I that they would get all the tumor which would rid me of most of the cancer. Then what was left they could zap out with a few rounds of chemo. Thank goodness, they did get rid of the cancer (yay!). But along with getting rid of the cancer, they also got rid of any chance of me ever being a Mom.

    I went through a very deep depression. I felt like my kid had died even though there had never been a kid there. I couldn’t figure out how I could mourn something that I never had. After 2 very long years and many, many, many therapy sessions later…I am finally back to myself.

    After reading your experience it made me so happy to know you are having a little “watermelon” ;). Sometimes I guess we just have to give ourselves some time and let our bodies/emotions heal themselves. Thanks for sharing and good luck with everything! Can’t wait to see what the future holds….food and all!

    • Oh my goodness, Love. What a difficult path you’ve had to walk. I’m so glad to hear you are cancer-free. Thank you so much for writing.
      Much love and power to you! XOXO

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