Hey, guys. What’s up? I see you have found this awesome baby website. It’s just tiny now but pretty soon it will be like a Godzilla and you will be like Jack Black, discoverer of King Kong. It’s going to be that huge. And your friends will throw confetti and be really impressed when you show them this awesome site you found. Congratulations!
So, clearly you are here because you were searching for some how to make something for your girlfriend who is coming over for dinner in 15 minutes but you forgot and smoked a bowl and fell asleep and it has to be delicious and she’s a vegan and all you have is ramen and your microwave is broken!!!
Hey! Chill out, dude.
Or, maybe you are here because you met me at a party and found me on Facebook and are Googling my name while you’re at work and marveling at all the cool stuff I do on the weekends. Relax, I know it looks like I am up to a ton of cool stuff like writing and acting and singing and killing baby goats but trust me, mostly all I do is cook amazing meals for my friends and have this guy tape it for me on a movie camera. No big deal.
And mostly, stuff turns out pretty delicious. And mostly, stuff is real cheap and healthy, too. It’s a pretty sweet package. Plus I think cooking is fun and if you do not think it is, then let’s try it together but with a little debauchery, irony, self-effacing humor, humility, irreverence, tight pants, Chia pet herb gardens and whatever else is cool these days.
Sometimes there are huge fails. Like one time I was reading this 1940s cookbook (which I have since disposed of due to its large collection of recipes calling for canned smoked seafoods) and found this recipe for like an eggplant and smoked oyster thing. And I’m not a huge fan of oysters but I like smoked stuff and eggplant and I like to try stuff more than once and also diversify my diet and blah blah blah…so out comes this big-ass, bubblin’ casserole and it’s really, really, really gross. So I put it in the fridge for a week until it definitely shouldn’t be eaten and then I threw it away. I hate wasting food but if something is rotten and you throw it away, then you are not wasting; you are preventing illness. Voila.
Also, I will teach you everything I’ve learned (except the dumb or wrong stuff) from the 500 cookbooks I have read and show you how I compost and and how I only use four paper towels a year. It’s not bragging if it’s true.
Wow, Hilah I just decided that I want to learn how to cook and have fun doing it and make awesome food. And unfortunately, when I told my grandma that she started shoveling old cookbooks on me with no mention of a microwave. And that’s fine, but sometimes I don’t even feel confident in my ability to make toast. So, this website looks perfect and fuckin’ awesome!(please don’t change your style or sense of humor)
This is awesome, Jacob! I’m so happy you want to learn to cook!
Please peruse the archives for videos and descriptions on how to make a buncha different stuff and try some of it out. If you feel like you need to start at the VERY beginning, you might want to get the Learn to Cook book I just released.
Please give me feedback when you try any of the recipes on the site!
Thanks for writing,
Dear Momma Hilah,
Congrats on baby Flint. He certainly is a big guy! Wow! He’s half grown already! I hope you are enjoying every minute of being a new mommy. You waited a long time for this little fellow. Hope he is sleeping and eating well … and you have received at least 7000 letters from mom’s telling you how to raise your baby the “right” way. Yep, I’m smiling. I’ve raised a couple of them myself … and now I just wonder where the heck I went wrong? Just kidding 🙂 … you’ll figure it all out in your own sweet time. Enjoy the ride!
I have a baking question about “gummy” muffins.
First of all, I am NOT a baker. Apparently I did not pay attention in baking class in high school. I only make “healthy” breakfast muffins and the occasional apple pie and banana bread. I’ve stopped making cookies–because I eat them.
I have a muffin recipe that I have really enjoyed in the past. It is what I would call a “heavy muffin.” I don’t want cupcakes.
I’m not sure how I might improve my final product. I am assuming the most obvious is that they are undercooked. You may spot something in my recipe that is more obvious to you.
I have a Bosch oven that would drive any sane person mad. Every time I use it is a challenge. As soon as I open the door the temp rockets down–sometimes from 400 to 300. Because of this my timing is likely off.
I do the usual toothpick check when my time is up. They come out clean.
I’ve never tried the convection setting.
I’m wondering if the shredded carrot and apple made a difference. I did not have Granny Smith apples, which I usually use. I wonder if there was too much water in the veg? I also packed the fruit into the measuring cups. That might have been a mistake.
I left out the dried cranberries and apricots.
I put the lot in the freezer too soon. They needed to sit on the counter for a longer time. Now they look all frosty in the zip lock bags.
I realize this is a huge missive and totally understand if you just roll your eyes and hit the delete key 🙂
Favourite Fruit Muffins – September 2003
1 ½ c unbleached white flour
¾ c Bob’s Flaxseed Meal (or other whole ground Flaxseed Meal)
¾ c oat bran
1 c brown sugar
2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
½ tsp salt
2 tsp cinnamon
1 ½ c finely shredded carrots (2 med sized ones)
2 peeled and shredded apples
½ c yellow raisins
½ c dried cranberries, whole
½ c dried apricots – chopped
¾ c milk
2 beaten eggs
1 tsp vanilla
2 tbsp vegetable oil
MIX together flour, flaxseed meal, oat bran, brown sugar, baking soda, baking powder, salt and cinnamon in a large bowl.
STIR in carrots, apples, raisins, apricots and cranberries. COMBINE milk, beaten eggs, vanilla and oil. POUR liquid ingredients into dry ingredients. STIR until ingredients are moistened. DO NOT OVER-MIX. FILL muffin cups ¾ full. BAKE at 350 for around 20 minutes on the center rack. You may have to fiddle with the timing.
*I use my food processor to shred the apples and carrots and to chop the apricots. Makes it easier.
Yield 18 medium muffins
I’d love to hear from you when you have absolutely nothing better to do with your time.