How To Make Guacamole

I read this book a while back called The Ghosts of Evolution and it was about all the fruits and even ornamental plants that we grow today that actually evolved to suit giant mammals that have been extinct for thousands of years. The avocado was one example. ‘Cause when you think about it, the avocado was obviously, certainly not designed for the human mouth. It was designed for something way huger, like a giant sloth or mastodon or land-whale that could just eat the avocado all in one bite and whose gullets were big enough to let the pit slip right by, intact and unharmed, to be later spread throughout the land as that creature roamed the earth with heavy, plodding steps that shook the trees and made more avocados fall from the sky, thus continuing the avocado’s journey across South America.

But even though that giant sloth has been dead for millennia, the friendly avocado still expends a lot of plant-energy making delicious fats for us to enjoy while we in return have kept it from dying off with the sloths. You may ask yourself: do we manipulate the avocado…or does the avocado manipulate us? Good question, Plato.

I guess you are here to learn facts, though, not philosophize about whether or not avocados will someday rule mankind.

So the first fact is that there are two varieties of avocado: the Hass (of California) and the Fuerte (of Florida). The Hass is most common around these parts and it’s the smaller, bumpier-skinned, black one. The Fuerte avocados are typically about twice the size of Hass, smooth-skinned and bright Kermit-green. Hass avocados have twice the fat content of Fuertes! So, clearly, Hass are the best, but if you’re on a diet or something, use the Fuertes. They’re still good, but not quite as avocado-tasting.

Does that answer all your avocado questions? No? ‘Kay.

How To Pick an Avocado

You wanna learn how to pick out an avocado? The deal is this: if you can help it, always buy avocados a little under-ripe and ripen them at home to avoid bruised and battered ‘cados. Avocados only ripen once they’re off the tree and it happens pretty fast. Once they’re ripe, they are extremely delicate and with the way people treat produce these days, ripe ones get messed up quick in the store bins. Slightly under-ripe means: greenish around the stem (if we’re talking Hass) and very firm all over. No squishy spots (check the stem area especially for that), no puffy areas, and no dents. They should be very evenly shaped. Once you get them home, leave them on the counter for a couple of days or if you’re in a big hurry, put them in a paper bag together with an apple or banana to speed it up using the power of SCIENCE (and ethylene gas).

After a day or two, start checking on your babies. Here’s how you know they are ripe: they are super dark brown or black all over; when you push gently in about 1/2″ away from the stem, it gives. That is all. The rest of the avocado will be slightly soft, too, but the stem-squish I think is the most reliable way to test. If you must hold off on making guacamole for a day or two, you can store ripe avocados in the fridge, just on a shelf, not in the drawer, for up to 3 days or so with no bad effects.

Special Guest: Matt Timms!

On a related note, my cool buddy Matt Timms came to visit again, you guys! We had such a great time! He let me punch him in the guts for NO REASON except I wanted to (and we was drankin’). That’s a good friend.

He also let me judge the Bacon Takedown this year and at some point during the week we shared a huge delicious burger AND a huge delicious steak. At the same time! Matt is a way-cool dude and if you aren’t yet convinced, he’s about to host the Avocado Takedown in LA on April 10th. For the sake of reciprocity (gettin’ him back for letting me punch him), I decided I needed to show him how to make guacamole the way my friend Susana makes it. She’s from Monterrey and makes bad ass guacamole. I mean it. No tomatoes or onion, but, please, people, no need to get your panties all in a wad. This recipe is truer to the spirit of the avocado I think, it highlights the avocado rather than confounds it, plus it looks prettier and cleaner.

Plus, you know, minimalism is all the rage now and what better fruit to start minimalist cooking with than the hyper-tasty avocado? None better fruit, I tell you!